I saw that movie last night, and it was possibly the most WTF movie I have seen since Gus Van Sant’s completely pointless ‘Gerry’. Here are the SPOILERIFFIC things that W’ed the F out of me…

1. Weird Alien Animals

   What gives? The movie seemed to be obsessed with shoe-horning in as many odd, alien animal species as possible.

   I couldn’t even see a merchandise angle, as these creatures not so much looked odd, as they appear to be poorly designed. That’s unusual for a franchise that even at its nadir has always had impeccable production design. Crystal foxes? Horses with Yoda heads? Bug-eyed owl penguins? Give up already…

2. Benicio Del Toro

   What was he doing in the film? I mean, he didn’t play a character. It was just Benicio Del Toro. It’s not that I don’t think Del Toro is a great actor. He has a great screen presence across his movies. But there was nothing Star Warsy about his presence in this film.

   His inclusion was about as odd as if they had put Vincent Vega in the film too. And how on earth did it just so happen that Finn and Rose get locked up in a cell with the best locksmith/code-breaker in the galaxy. Was he waiting for a cell-mate so that he could impress them with this skills?

3. Luke Skywalker

   That wasn’t Luke Skywalker. Even Mark Hamill himself spoke out to state that he didn’t think the character written for him in ‘The Last Jedi’ was the same character that appeared in the original trilogy. And what was the point in that whole force projection business if doing it made him pop his clogs anyway. He might as well have turned up for some fisty-cuffs. His sister didn’t seem that glad to see him either.

   And why do we get to see the strange and unnecessary sight of Luke suckling green milk from the huge teat of a bloated alien walrus?

4. Vice Admiral Holdo

   Laura Dern’s portrayal of Holdo was one of the high points of the film, but her character’s actions made no sense. Why didn’t she reveal her plan to Poe Dameron about creating a diversion with the big ship while the other ships scurried off to the rebel base. Instead of keeping him in the loop, she inspired an open mutiny and put her command at risk.

   
   And as for her pointless self-sacrifice, when she could have set the cruiser’s navigation computer to auto-pilot, the mind boggles…

5. General Leia

   You know where I’m going with this one… Surviving an explosion intact, floating in a vacuum for several minutes without bloating, suffocating, freezing to death or having an aneurysm due to gas passing through her system. Then using the force to float towards a conveniently proximal air-lock door. I actually thought she was going to knock on the window for a second and shout ‘Yoo Hoo’.

6. It’s Salt

   So just at the start of the final battle, one of the resistance troops dabs his finger on the ground and gives it a wee taste. “It’s salt…” he declares. He would clearly have known that he was on a salt planet without having to taste the ground. This was clearly an incredibly clumsy plot device put in place to cover up the fact that the scene looked an awful lot like the snowy Hoth scene from Empire.

7. Snoke

   Well he was crap wasn’t he? The one act of evil Sith violence that he performed in two movies was to bonk Rey in the side of the head with a flying lightsaber. No Palpatine-style hand-lightning. No funky triple-bladed lightsaber, dispatched with a myriad of stunning kung-fu movies.

   
   Just a quick and sudden death at the hands of his so-called puppet protege. He came across more Albert Steptoe than evil emperor.

8. The Royal Guard

   After Snoke had been dispatched, what were the royal guard doing? They would be unemployed after Snoke’s demise, so why on earth they decided to turn on a couple of capable jedi’s who had just taken out their boss, one of whom was technically their new boss, I have no idea.

9. What No Lando?

   So pretty much every major Star Wars character makes an appearance in the new films. Except, there is the huge omission of Lando Calrissian. Given the diversity issues that Hollywood has been suffering from for the past years, why omit the key black character from the original trilogy? It’s not like Billy Dee Williams is overwhelmed with work these days. Even his flat faced BFF, Nien Nunb made a brief appearance, but no Lando…

10. Finishing The Job

    Why didn’t the naughty First Order finish off the final 400 (minus casualties) resistance at the end. They had nowhere to go, and the first order still had a huge fleet of ships. Surely they had the back entrance of the big cave covered? Or why didn’t they just nuke the planet from orbit? Donald Trump could dispatch an entire North Korea in just a few minutes, and yet the resource-rich First Order can’t wipe out a tiny collection of cornered rebel scum with their gargantuan battle fleet. The only reason the Empire used AT-ATs in episode two was that they had to take out a shield generator from the ground. There was no shield generator on planet Red-Sand-Covered-With-Salt. This is possibly the biggest plot-hole in the whole film.

Summing Up

Well it was a watchable film, but after the highly impressive, ‘Rogue One’, the lastest movie in Lucas’s franchise made no sense whatsoever and completely dropped the ball. There were so many other little niggles, such as:

• Rey’s lack of charisma and her instant learning of the ways of The Force.
• The shit Yoda puppet.
• The crap casino scene with the mustachioed gambler from a 1920’s gangster film.
• The rebel land-speeders with the pointless stick dragging in the ground.
• Finn flying in the path of a Death Star laser beam without being incinerated.
• Captain Phasma’s quick death.
• The ginger whinger First Order commander that doesn’t get executed by Kylo Ren.
• The inexplicable, homoerotic Kylo Ren nipple flash scene.
• BB-8’s coin projectile moment as a follow-up to the ugnaught trying to buy a drink.
• Maz Kanata’s pointless hologram call.
• Kylo Ren’s motivation for being an evil pain in the arse.
• Porgs…

But I can’t be bothered writing ‘Another 10 Crap Things About The Last Jedi’.